34. Strip Poker
Hey there again! You know, old Hank gets lonely sometimes. I spend my autumns up in the hills of Kenosha, in my secluded mid-century log cabin, far from the hustle and further from the bustle, and sometimes a man just needs a little.. poker. Yep, nothing fulfills me quite like firing up a nice, mildew-scented 5 1/4" floppy disk chock full of the finest video gambling action that 1984 has to offer.
On this particular occasion, the bits flying off the drive head make up a game called Strip Poker by a developer called Artworx. Long ago, this game was marketed toward up-and-coming perverts who might not have had the intestinal fortitude to frequent an adult theater, bookstore, or 7-11 magazine rack, but saw no shame in mail-ordering themselves the latest and greatest pixelated pornography for their Commodore 64s. Was there redeeming value to be found? Let's find out.
On first load, we get a titillating splash screen and a monophonic jazz jingle that quickly sets the tone for the game's after-dark presentation. The game (quite unnecessarily) implies that it requires a joystick and prompts the player to choose one of two on-disk opponents (Suzi and Melissa - pleased to meet you, ladies), plus an option to specify an opponent via data disk (the equivalent of an expansion pack or DLC nowadays). When you think about it, each "opponent" is just a few low-res pixel images, and you'd think they could cram a few more on there, but hey, these are 170K disks we're dealing with.
The game mechanics and controls are intuitive enough, especially if you've played a hand or two in real life. This is 5 card draw poker - no modern Texas Hold'Em intricacies around these parts. You draw the cards, you bet, you keep some cards and drop others, you get more cards, you bet again, you're done. If your opponent goes "in the hole", they remove an item of clothing to compensate. If you go in the hole, you lose and the game starts over.
Back to that whole audio-visual presentation I mentioned, it's not great. Not terrible, but not great. Our color scheme is a red-toned palette for the player image vs. a mustard-yellow border and background, because, as we know, mustard yellow is the most erotic of any color the C64 can produce.
There's no music during play, spare a precious few bleep-bloops during transitions as your defeated opponent removes an article of clothing - we all know what the appeal is here, after all. I should clarify that that by "removes an item of clothing", the screen goes blank, and then another picture of your foxy foe with slightly less clothing loads. Sadly, we're still at least a decade away from animating these sorts of things in adult video gaming.
At it's core, this is a simple game of poker between two players that doesn't involve actual stakes beyond the time it takes to strategically undress your virtual opponent. With that comes one of the main problems with this sort of design: this is a game of chance, and if the computer wants to win, it will. I've learned that the difficulty adjusts dynamically to how well you're doing, which is kind of a neat trick but could've probably still been tilted a little more toward the player, as lengthy play sessions probably weren't on anyone's list of priorities.
Thus, the game quickly becomes tedious in this world of instant gratification, and it took me nearly 20 hands to see a single pixelated tiddy. Ante doesn't seem to go up and limits are low at $25, which makes bets smaller and games more tiresome. Add this to the the fact that your opponent *regains* clothing if they pass 200 dollars, and you're going to be very unlikely to see this one through regardless of the reward. Rest assured your old buddy Hank was softer than a goose-down pillow for the entirety of his playthrough.
To sum up, while this game is perfectly playable in a technical sense, it didn't bring a ton to the table in the mid-1980s and certainly brings even less to the table today. It does offer a little of the dopamine hit of making a big bet and waiting for your full house to drop, but the juice may not be worth the squeeze, so to speak. At least I've learned that you can rename the picture files to make any of the pictures "picture 1" so.. knock yourself out.
Should you play this game? No, you should go play real poker with your friends, and probably go talk to an actual woman or two while you're at it. Does the game have its charms? Yeah sure, why not. Poker? I hardly know 'er.
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